My Love/Hate Relationship with Breastfeeding

Last week, I hit my breaking point with breastfeeding. Or at least, in the moment, I had. (A week later, and we're still nursing). But last week, Sully was having a particularly cranky day and seemed extra needy and boob-demanding. And then he started biting me. I was so upset, so insulted, so hurt (physically and emotionally), that I swore I was done nursing right then and there. I called my mom in tears and she rushed over.

I needed to vent and I needed a shoulder to cry on. I wasn't really ready to be done nursing, but at the same time, the thought of being free from it was a little bit exciting. But then there was also the guilt. Oh the guilt. I didn't want our nursing journey to end just because I had "had enough". Ultimately, I want Sully to be the one to make the call.

I know breastfeeding is such an individual experience, but for me, I wanted to succeed, and I'm so proud that we've made it this far. When I started out on my breastfeeding journey, I had no goal in mind. All I knew was that I was going to breastfeed and I was going to do whatever it took to make it work. I made mini-goals as I went along, the first goal being to make it to six months. If we could make it to six months with just nursing, I would be more than satisfied.

When we hit six months, we were still nursing strong, so I aimed for nine months. Nine months came, and Sully showed no signs of weening, so I kept going, hoping at that point that we could hit the one year milestone. And from there, I told myself and my husband that I would just follow Sully's cues. If he wanted to keep nursing, we would, and if he was done with it, then I would forever be thankful that we got a full year in. 

Here we are at 14 months, and most days, I still nurse Sully three to four times a day. And most days, I love it, but some days I hate it. 

I have a love/hate relationship with nursing.

I love that I've been able to nourish my baby for the first year of his life with my own body.

I hate that there are people who judge moms for extended breastfeeding and that I have let their judgement get to me.

I love when my baby's eyes roll in the back of his head and he becomes sleepy from nursing.
I hate when he bites me.

I love the extra time in bed in the morning, where we cuddle and side nurse.
I hate having to lay on my one arm. 

I love that nursing is just easy, especially in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning.

I hate that my husband can't just get up and nurse my son in my place some days.

I love that I can comfort my son when he's hurt, or after immunizations, or when he's not feeling well, or when he's just having a meltdown.

I hate that my husband can't offer him this same immediate sense of comfort.

I love when my son's hand caresses the top of my chest while nursing.

I hate when I have forgotten to cut his nails and he leaves scratch marks all over my chest instead.

I love when my son is getting tired and he slips his hand down the front of my shirt ever so gently.

I hate when he takes it too far and pinches my nipple.

I love nursing tanks and nursing bras that make breastfeeding so much easier.

I hate that I still have to wear a nursing bra.

I love that breastfeeding is said to burn extra calories every day.

I hate that it just increases my appetite at the same time.

Obviously I'm using the word hate here very loosely. I wouldn't change our breastfeeding journey for anything. But that doesn't mean that some days aren't hard, or that there aren't moments where I wish we were done breastfeeding altogether. It's a complicated relationship, but one that I know has an inevitable end date. So for now, we trudge on, and I'm choosing to cherish each nursing session because I know it will be a sad day, bittersweet at the least, when my son refuses to nurse.

It would be fair to address my upcoming trip here, as it's very likely that such a long absence may ween Sully completely. This was a decision I didn't make lightly, but seeing as Sully is now 14 months old, I've come to terms with this. I do plan to keep up my supply while I'm gone by pumping, and when I return, should he want to continue to nurse, I will be ready.