Crib Notes Vol I

It's true when they say that motherhood (parenthood) is a journey, and I've found that you really don't know what kind of parent you are going to be until you are one. At least that was the case for me. I've talked a bit about my feelings on co-sleeping and how I ended up finding myself as a co-sleeping parent, and for the record, I still feel 100% strongly for co-sleeping, if that's the route one wants to go (but also pass no judgement on those who don't co-sleep). So some of you might be surprised to hear that for the past month, Sully has slept in his crib every single night. No, this wasn't planned and I really did nothing to prepare for this change, it just kind of happened. And to be honest, I have mixed feelings about it. He still comes into bed with us in the mornings (and the odd night if no one is getting any sleep), but it seems he really loves sleeping in his crib.

Shortly before Sully started sleeping in his crib at night, I read this beautiful blog post reflecting on the intimate moments of nighttime feedings and I actually felt a little sad that I wasn't in a position to write such a post as we were co-sleeping. But then, when Sully started sleeping in his crib, I was inspired by Whitney to journal about the transition and the emotions I was going through during this time.

I'm choosing to share this with all of you because it marked a big milestone in my journey as a mother and I don't ever want to forget it. And maybe it will resonate with one of you out there, just like the above post did for me. And sometimes, that's what blogging is all about.

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These journal entries haven't been edited in efforts to maintain their genuineness at the time of writing them.

 

[July 21]. Tonight I put you down in your crib at night for the first time ever. You were getting fussy while nursing and I just needed a moment to myself. It was around 10:30 p.m. and I didn't really think you were going to stay asleep when I laid you down, but you did. It was a weird moment for me. I felt liberated to do anything I wanted, but also sad that you accepted being in your crib so easily. I watched the video baby monitor like a hawk, waiting for any sign of you waking up. I eventually fell asleep sometime after midnight. At 1:45 a.m. you let out a bit of a cry and I jumped out of bed faster than I ever have before. You were on your stomach and your head was against the side of the crib, so I think you may have woken yourself up. I scooped you right up and brought you into bed with me, your little hands clutching at my neck. Enough of your crib for now, little one.

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[July 22]. I rocked you in my arms until you were almost asleep tonight. I love watching as your eyelids get heavy and your breathing slows as your little body succumbs to sleep. Around 9:30 p.m. I laid you in your crib, not entirely convinced that you were going to let me as your eyes were still slightly open. The minute your limp body touched the mattress, you let out a little sigh and spat your soother out. Again, I kept my eyes on the video monitor like a hawk. I was quite surprised by how much you moved around in your crib, but you never woke up. I ended up going in around 11:00 p.m. and 12:30 a.m. to pop your soother back in your mouth. You slept in your crib until 4 a.m. When I went in to get you, you were again on your stomach. I brought you back to bed with me and you fell asleep after a quick feed.

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[July 23]. You spent the evening with your daddy so I could go play soccer. When I came home, we nursed and rocked in your chair upstairs and I laid you down in your crib at 10 p.m. I had to go in an hour later and re-rock you, but then you slept till almost 4 a.m. Part of me is so proud of you for taking to your crib so easily (like I knew you would!), but I also miss you.

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[July 24]. Longest stretch yet tonight! For you, not me. I kept waking up to check on you on the monitor and each time you were fast asleep. Then the huge storm outside woke me up at 5 a.m. and I peeked in your room to check on you. You were fast asleep so I let you be, despite my entire being wanting to scoop you up and snuggle.  You woke up 45 minutes later and I brought you into bed with me. I will never, ever tire of the look and huge grin you give me when I come into your room in the morning. 

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[July 25]. It seems you like to sleep on your tummy. The first time you flipped over I worried that I should go in and flip you onto your back, but I didn't dare wake you. Eventually I took my chances and you never even stirred. Then you flipped again and I again flipped you back. This went on a few more times until I went to bed myself. You woke up around 3:15 a.m. and instead of bringing you into bed with me, I fed you and you went right back to sleep in your crib. You woke at 6:45 and again you were on your tummy.

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[July 27]. Longest stretch yet. In bed by 8:45 p.m, quick feed at midnight as I could not get  you to settle back down and then I never heard from you again until 6:45 a.m.! Brought you into bed at that point and we nursed and slept for a few more hours.

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[August 4]. One of our toughest days to date. Naps were not happening today, in my arms or anywhere else, despite many, many attempts. At one point I finally got you to fall asleep on the sheepskin rug in front of your crib, but you only slept for 20 short minutes. Come nightfall, while obviously cranky and sleepy, you weren't interested in going to sleep at all. I tried nursing you, rocking, singing, rubbing your back, but nada. Finally, after you fought even being held in my arms, I placed you upright against my chest and instantly I felt your little body relax and give in to the sleep you were so desperate for. I held you for a long time, burning to memory every little detail - the way your head fit so perfectly onto my shoulder, your deep sighs as you fell further into sleep, your one little hand grasping loosely at my cheek, the other arm hanging limp against my body. I hugged you tight, kissed you many times before finally laying you down in your crib and wishing "stay little, little one".